Owner's guide to owning a RESIDENT EVIL character
by LetsSingtheDoomSong
Summary: Hello, you have just purchased a -insert RE character here-. Here is a manual of need-to-knows when owning your character. BTW: If you have nothing nice to say, then don't read it.
1. JACK KRAUSER

**Jack Krauser**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own JACK KRAUSER. I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your JACK KRAUSER likes sharp things, so do not be surprised if he tries to stab you when you open the package

2. Your JACK KRAUSER is extremely violent, so be warned that if you don't have something for him to fight with be prepared to get PWND. The LEON KENNEDY model would be appropriate.

3. Your JACK KRAUSER may know your name even before you open the package, this is normal since he works for the government.

4. Your JACK KRAUSER needs guns. I hope you have them.. IF not, face the wrath of JACK KRAUSER, Deadliest Soldier.

5. JACK KRAUSERs are large so do not attempt to carry them. They will either crush you or kill you in the long run.

6. Do not be fooled by the evil glare, he can be a cuddly teddy bear if treated with no fear!

7. JACK KRAUSER may attack your friends/relatives if he thinks they're a threat. Please refrain from aggressive activity toward each other until he is used to them.

8. Your JACK KRAUSER is a major PRO in torturing. Have enemies? Let your JACK KRAUSER deal with them!

9. JACK KRAUSER does not like Disney movies & such should not watch them in his presence.

10. Your JACK KRAUSER will not let you shop at WAL-MART for he believes it is filled with evil intention.

11. Your JACK KRAUSER does not like parties. If you are to throw one, keep him distracted with dull knives to sharpen in your room.

12. Your JACK KRAUSER enjoys sleeping outside, so do not be alarmed if you do not see him in the bed you placed for him.

13. JACK KRAUSER hates ADA WONG & I strongly suggest not buying a ADA model at your expense for that would be a waste of money.

14. JACK KRAUSERs are extremely strong. If you can't handle it, buy a ALBERT WESKER to calm him down & keep him preoccupied.

15. If you live in a place where there are many Weapon stores around you, I suggest you move or else JACK KRAUSER may live in said stores.

16. JACK KRAUSER may act fatherly toward the STEVE BURNSIDE model if purchase, but results may vary.

**Types of JACK KRAUSER**

There are many types JACK KRAUSER programming you can install to your JACK KRAUSER.

Knife User mode. (This mode is already installed in your JACK KRAUSER for free)

Body Guard mode (this mode can be very useful against your enemies.)

Evil Glare mode. (This mode can be found together with the JACK KRAUSER. It is free of charge. You can choose to not install this mode into your JACK KRAUSER)

Silent Mercenary mode (this mode maybe very quiet. I would suggest not buying this if you mistreat your JACK KRAUSER. Results may vary.)

Government mode. (This mode will bore you, so I suggest not purchasing it.)

Combat mode (This means run away if it is toward you.)

Plagas mode (It is an option only if you have the OSMUND SADDLER model. Though I suggest not buying it for it is extremely unattractive.)

**F.A.Q**

1. My JACK KRAUSER sliced up my furniture? What should I do?

He may be in Knife User mode. This is normal. Just squirt him with a spray bottle of water & he should behave quickly.

2. My JACK KRAUSER likes to dress up a lot. Why is this so?

My question is did you push him down the stairs?

3. I want my JACK KRAUSER to be in a relationship with ALBERT WESKER.

I ship that pairing but I don't think that's possible. ALBER WESKER models are egotistical & sociopath assholes so I don't think that will go well.

4. JACK KRAUSER keeps muttering about killing Leon in his sleep. What is going on?

If you have bought the OSMUND SADDLER model, this may be the reason. Otherwise, please send your JACK back to us & we will fix the problem.

5. My JACK KRAUSER started crying.

We are sorry. We must have programmed SHERRY BIRKIN into his system instead of JACK KRAUSER.

6. Can JACK KRAUSER fix appliances?

Um… Honestly, I don't know. He can fix cars & guns tough.

7. My JACK KRAUSER is going insane! He keeps trying to make my neighbors go blind with the Flash Grenade accessories!

We forgot to mention that JACK enjoys flash grenades & likes to use them on people he dislikes. I suggest taking them away as punishment & spraying him with water.

8. My JACK KRAUSER is hugging my neighbor's ADA WONG.

Please send him in to Umbrella Development immediately. We will send you a different JACK KRAUSER at no expense to you.

9. My JACK KRAUSER ran away with my neighbors' HUNK why is that so?

He & HUNK probably went to visit WESKER. Beware: he may NEVER come back.

10. Can I abandon my JACK KRAUSER?

No. If you do, I will KILL YOU!

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

ALBERT WESKER

STEVE BURNSIDE

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

LEON KENNEDY

OSMUND SADDLER

RAMON SALAZAR

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	2. OSMUND SADDLER

**Osmund Saddler**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own OSMUND SADDLER. I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your OSMUND SADDLER is very unstable so special care is needed.

2. Your OSMUND SADDLER is very manipulative & will command the GANADO (one comes with the OSMUND package. Others sold separately) to attack either you or anyone nearby.

3. Your OSMUND SADDLER may have a strange voice that always sounds like he's sarcastic. This is normal for it always like that. We don't know why.

4. Your OSMUND SADDLER needs a staff. You can either buy the Plagas Staff for extreme happiness or you can find a branch that is taller then him. Either will work.

5. OSMUND SADDLERs are overly religious & will try & shove their religion down your throat & everyone around you. The Los Illuminados is actually really fun & you get an awesome robe like in Harry Potter but with a hood.

6. SADDLER likes to smirk & chuckle extremely weird. It is a natural response to be creped out.

7. Your OSMUND SADDLER does not like Americans, so SADDLER is not recommended for American buyers.

8. Your OSMUND SADDLER likes dark rooms with his throne (throne sold separately)

9. OSMUND SADDLER does not seem to believe in electricity. So if your electric powered things sudden is replaced with candles & medieval stuff.

10. Your OSMUND SADDLER will not let you sit in his throne if purchased.

11. Your OSMUND SADDLER does not like LUIS SERA so refrain from purchasing LUIS.

12. Your OSMUND SADDLER likes to freak people out with the added mouth-eyeball.

13. OSMUND SADDLER will plot to kill JACK KRAUSER, so be careful when JACK is nearby.

14. OSMUND SADDLER likes to make references to American movies before he attacks someone. Just a warning.

15. If you live in a castle, that is the ideal place for SADDLER to live, so good on you.

16. OSMUND SADDLER cooperates best with RAMON SALAZAR & BITOREZ MENDEZ.

**Types of OSMUND**

There are many types OSMUND SADDLER programming you can install to your OSMUND SADDLER.

Cult Leader mode. (This mode is already installed in your OSMUND SADDLER for free)

Plagas mode (this mode is already installed.)

Chuckle mode. (This mode is easily very annoying, but we can not send you a OSMUND SADDLER without it.)

Crappy Secretary mode (This mode means that he will leave important documents not only of yours but of his laying around for people to find.)

Cliche mode. (This mode will bore you.)

Mouth-Eyeball mode (He greatly enjoys this mode, especially toward the ADA WONG model)

**F.A.Q**

1. My OSMUND SADDLER won't stop laughing. What should I do?

Just lock him in a very dark place & soon he will stop. It is a glitch we have yet to figure out.

2. My OSMUND SADDLER keeps taking my money.

Do not worry. It is merely donations for the church of the Los Illuminados. Thank you for your small but special contribution.

3. I want my OSMUND SADDLER to be nice for a change.

We are sorry, but that is utterly impossible. Trust me, we've tried.

4. OSMUND SADDLER keeps ordering JACK KRAUSER around.

We know. JACK KRAUSER will only follow those orders to gain SADDLER's trust. Don't worry, it'll pass soon.

5. My OSMUND SADDLER is attacking my friend's ADA WONG.

GO SADDLER GO! Sorry. Do not worry, this is normal. SADDLERs extremely dislike ADA, but if it gets really bad, give ADA a rifle. She'll know what to do.

6. Can OSMUND SADDLER protect me from my enemies?

If he likes you, then he'll send his GANADO or ZEALOTS (each sold separately) to deal with the problem.

7. I can't afford the Plagas Staff & there is no branches taller then him. What should I do?

We are sorry, but there isn't much that we can do. Prepare for the worse when he gets cranky.

8. My OSMUND SADDLER is shouting "SHERRY" over & over again

OOPS! We accidentally installed the WILLIAM BIRKIN package into him. Send him back & we will supply you with a new one, free of charge.

9. My OSMUND SADDLER won't talk to me. He only talks to RAMON SALAZAR.

This is normal. He doesn't like people very much & will only talk to close friends. And: Are you American?

10. Can I abandon my OSMUND SADDLER

You can, but that will prove to be fatal to the world if he got loose, so we advise against it.

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

ALBERT WESKER

STEVE BURNSIDE

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

LEON KENNEDY

JACK KRAUSER

RAMON SALAZAR

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	3. LEON KENNEDY

**Leon Kennedy**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own LEON KENNEDY I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your LEON KENNEDY likes to protect the innocent, so do not be surprised when you open the package that he will shove you behind him & search around for enemies

2. Your LEON KENNEDY is extremely skilled in combat. Need some protection? Let KENNEDY take care of you.

3. Your LEON KENNEDY will probably not know who you are unlike JACK, because his people probably hate him & send him on wild goose chases.

4. Your LEON KENNEDY is extremely tolerable of many types of people, so he will allow the ASHLEY GRAHAM model over when asked. If ASHLEY appears at your door, call the cops. She must have gotten out of her cage.

5. LEON KENNEDYs are very emotion prone & thus will cry over people who he knew all of 10 minutes deaths.

6. He has the automatically installed 'Angry Eyebrows'. Do not make him use them.

7. LEON KENNEDY does not like OSMUND SADDLER & I strongly suggest not buying OSMUND unless you want your LEON to attack & kill him.

8. Your LEON KENNEDY is a major PRO in handling weapons, especially guns. To make your LEON happy, please supply him with some & plenty of ammo. GANADO also will make him happy (GANADO sold separately).

9. LEON KENNEDY does not appreciate his hair being touched, so refrain from it unless he gives the okay.

10. Your LEON KENNEDY will randomly disappear for days on end. Do not be alarmed. His programming makes him believe he's saving the planet. Just listen to the police scanner though in case of emergency.

11. Your LEON KENNEDY enjoys Pearl Jam & as such if you don't like that type of music, you should not have bought the LEON so get used to it.

12. Your LEON KENNEDY enjoys sleeping outside, so do not be alarmed if you do not see him in the bed you placed for him.

13. LEON KENNEDY has a fear of needles, so do not, under any circumstances, own needles.

14. LEON KENNEDY is very agile & if he should disappear for a second, he is most likely in a tree.

15. Please keep him away from ADA WONG models. His emotional state is already messed up as it is.

16. LEON KENNEDY likes children, so if you have younger siblings, he'll handle them.

**Types of LEON KENNEDY**

There are many types LEON KENNEDY programming you can install to your LEON KENNEDY.

Knife User mode. (Similar to the JACK KRAUSER Knife user mode, but less violent. This mode is already installed in your LEON KENNEDY for free)

Body Guard mode (this mode can be very useful against your enemies.)

Angry Eyebrows mode. (This mode can be found together with the LEON KENNEDY. It is free of charge)

Secret Agent mode (This mode is very serious. Do not expect affection with this mode.)

Jumper mode (This mode means LEON jumps off extremely tall things)

Combat mode (This means JACK KRAUSER is nearby.)

Plagas mode (This is only available if OSMUND SADDLER is nearby. It can cause harm to your LEON though.)

**F.A.Q**

1. My LEON KENNEDY won't stop staring at my friend's CLAIRE REDFIELD

This is normal. Don't worry, he won't get anywhere with her for he has terrible luck with women.

2. My LEON KENNEDY woke up sweating. Is he okay?

It is simply flashbacks to our old shop in Raccoon City where there was an extreme overproduction of the ZOMBIE models. Don't worry; we have included sleep-inducing pills to keep him asleep & dream free.

3. I want my LEON KENNEDY to reproduce with ADA WONG.

I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU GO THROUGH WITH THAT!

4. LEON KENNEDY keeps inviting ASHLEY GRAHAM over & doesn't understand I hate her.

Do not worry. Call us & we will quickly dispose of ASHLEY. Our top agent Danielle will quickly dispose of ASHLEY. Do not interrupt her for she is a trained professional with a license to kill.

5. My LEON KENNEDY started crying.

We have explained that he has very sensitive emotions, but crying is not a feature of it. ADA WONG or CLAIRE REDFIELD is probably nearby. Please move as quickly as possible.

6. Can LEON KENNEDY drive me anywhere I want?

Yes, just make sure ASHLEY is no where nearby for she will want to drive instead & will end up crashing your vehicle through a solid brick wall.

7. My LEON KENNEDY is attacking my neighbors!

Woops! We must have installed the JACK KRAUSER programming. We are deeply sorry. Please send him back & we will send you a new one free of charge.

8. My LEON KENNEDY is hugging my neighbor's JACK KRAUSER.

OH MY GOD! REALLY? I WANT TO SEE! –Smacks self- Sorry. Just leave it be. JACK's ego programming will eventually end in them fighting.

9. My LEON KENNEDY ran away with some men wearing black.

The government took him. Do not fight the government or else you will suddenly disappear. This is a guaranteed thing if he has contact with a SHERRY BIRKIN model.

10. Can I abandon my LEON KENNEDY?

No. He has friends in high places & some very dangerous friends.

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

ALBERT WESKER

STEVE BURNSIDE

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

JACK KRAUSER

OSMUND SADDLER

RAMON SALAZAR

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problems with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	4. ALBERT WESKER

* See TYPES OF...

**Albert Wesker**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchased your very own ALBERT WESKER I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your ALBERT WESKER likes to wear sunglasses all day (sunglasses included in WESKER package). Do not expect him to take them off at any point in time.

2. Your ALBERT WESKER is extremely smart, so please refrain from asking him questions for he will treat you like a child when answering them.

3. Your ALBERT WESKER will know your name. Do not ask how, because we don't know either.

4. Your ALBERT WESKER hates CHRIS REDFIELD & as such you should refrain from buying CHRIS REDFIELD (*)

5. ALBERT WESKER is a sadist, just a warning.

6. ALBERT WESKER gets along well with WILLIAM BIRKIN, so buying a WILLIAM is a good idea.

7. ALBERT WESKER likes to use people to his benefit. To avoid being on the short end of the stick, purchase a EXCELLA GIONNE.

8. Your ALBERT WESKER is extremely powerful & should not be taken lightly. He punted one of our workers across the factory once.

9. ALBERT WESKER does not appreciate being called Alby or Weskie, so use those nicknames with extreme caution. Trust me, I would know.

10. Your ALBERT WESKER will disappear for a few days on end. Do not be alarmed. This is normal.

11. Your ALBERT WESKER will appreciate a STEVE BURNSIDE for it makes him feel like he's won against CHRIS.

12. Your ALBERT WESKER will mess with the mind of CLAIRE REDFIELD. Just let him do it.

13. ALBERT WESKER will somehow have a satellite launched where he can watch everybody's every move. Please keep him from doing that.

14. ALBERT WESKER can & will run across walls. If you do not like this, ALBERT is not the model for you.

15. Please keep him away from OZWELL SPENCER models. His sadistic state is already violent enough as it is. We don't want lawsuits for witnesses viewing him killing the old man.

16. ALBERT WESKER is not squishy. We can not emphasize how annoying that gets.

17. He will attempt to kidnap an ALEXIA ASHFORD model from someone. He will not succeed, so don't be alarmed.

**Types of ALBERT WESKER**

There are many types ALBERT WESKER programming you can install to your ALBERT WESKER.

S.T.A.R.S mode. (This is an optional package you can have installed if you don't want 'Thinks he is God' mode. Will get along with other S.T.A.R.S units.)

I am God mode (This mode will result in him repeating the phrase 'The right to be God is now mine' & the deaths of many people)

Yellow cat eyes mode. (This mode is optional if you don't want his normal gray eyes)

Scientist mode (This mode is extremely useful when you need help with homework)

Uroboros mode (This mode will include worms coming out of every orifice in his body. The good news is he will take off his shirt *drool*)

Combat mode (This means CHRIS REDFIELD is nearby.)

Sadistic mode (This comes free of charge & already installed.)

Umbrella Owner mode (This mode will allow you access to the most powerful company in the world before the Raccoon City overproduction of ZOMBIE models incident)

Tyrant mode (This package includes: Lack of sleep, lack of eating, & lack of emotions)

**F.A.Q**

1. My ALBERT WESKER won't stop fighting with my friend's CHRIS REDFIELD

This is completely normal. CHRIS is just a persistent bastard & won't leave ALBERT alone.

2. My ALBERT WESKER doesn't sleep at all. Is he okay?

This will occur if you have purchase the Tyrant mode. He does not require sleep. He does sleep, but only for brief periods of time & there is huge time gaps between each time he decides to sleep.

3. I want my ALBERT WESKER to kiss EXCELLA GIONNE. What can I do to have that happen?

There is no possible way to have that happen for WESKER is a sociopathic asshole & I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU GO THROUGH WITH THAT!

4. ALBERT WESKER won't stop punching things across my house!

Do not worry, this is normal. He is just trying to prove how strong he is. Become best friends with the word 'Duck'.

5. My ALBERT WESKER keeps trying to take over the world.

We have explained that he thinks he is God. We personally think you should help him achieve that goal for if you prove to be useful, he will give you some of the world to command.

6. Can ALBERT WESKER snap someone's neck?

Yes with his training in the S.T.A.R.S program we have. He does not need to do that though. Why snap someone's neck when you can rearrange their organs with one punch?

7. My ALBERT WESKER is attacking my neighbors with a butcher knife!

Woops! We must have installed the GANADO package. We are deeply sorry. Please send him back & we will send you a new one free of charge.

8. My ALBERT WESKER is hugging me.

That means he actually truly likes you. I don't see you arguing very much. See, there's no exclamation point.

9. My ALBERT WESKER is talking to some man in a gas mask. It's kinda scaring me...

Do not be alarmed. That is only HUNK, the Human Unit Never Killed. He is WESKER's body guard other then JACK KRAUSER

10. Can I abandon my ALBERT WESKER?

No. That will result in a very quick, but extremely painful death. I advise against it.

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

LEON KENNEDY

STEVE BURNSIDE

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

JACK KRAUSER

OSMUND SADDLER

RAMON SALAZAR

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problems with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	5. CHRIS REDFIELD

**Christopher Redfield**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own CHRIS REDFIELD. I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your CHRIS REDFIELD (in his B.S.A.A mode) is extremely muscular, so do not attempt to pick him up because that means he's really heavy.

2. Your CHRIS REDFIELD is incredibly strong. If you need a boulder pushed out of the way, then CHRIS REDFIELD is on the job!

3. Your CHRIS REDFIELD has an obsession with ALBERT WESKER, so if he disappears for a few days on a lead on WESKER: Do not panic. He will return.

4. Your CHRIS REDFIELD has a stalker for a relative, so please barricade your house from a possible CLAIRE REDFIELD break in.

5. CHRIS REDFIELD makes an excellent partner for missions & training. He'll make gym class easier!

6. CHRIS REDFIELD (in S.T.A.R.S mode) will constantly ask where WESKER is. We believe he has a gay crush on the man.

7. Your CHRIS REDFIELD will like you almost instantly, so do not worry about being nice right away. He's used to people being total smartasses (ex. Joseph Frost).

8. Your CHRIS REDFIELD does appreciate any cute nickname you give him. It makes him feel special.

9. CHRIS REDFIELD does not take steroids & will do everything in his power to prove that fact.

10. CHRIS REDFIELD does not have the balls to ask hot women out on dates (ex. SHEVA ALOMAR & JILL VALENTINE).

11. CHRIS REDFIELD completely hates RICARDO IRVING, so please so not buy a RICARDO or do not buy CHRIS if you own a RICARDO.

12. Your CHRIS REDFIELD is a total smartass, so just smack him if it gets too bad.

**Types of CHRIS REDFIELD**

There are many types CHRIS REDFIELD programming you can install to your CHRIS REDFIELD.

Special Tactics & Rescue Squad (S.T.A.R.S) mode (This mode is optional, but includes a pack of cigarettes. Do not smoke for your own health for they are specially designed for models only)

Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance (B.S.A.A) mode (This mode will include the upgrade to Muscular CHRIS & cooperation with other B.S.A.A member models like SHEVA)

Super Human mode (This package comes with Muscular CHRIS & can push extremely heavy & large things out of the way)

Wesker Obsessed mode (This mode is already installed & free of charge)

**F.A.Q**

1. My CHRIS REDFIELD keeps running away to go somewhere!

This is the WESKER Obsessed mode. This is normal.

2. Every night there is something outside my window & it's freaking me & my CHRIS out.

This is probably CLAIRE. Call us now!

3. I keep getting strange phone calls from some British sounding man.

How can you not know who ALBERT WESKER is?

4. My CHRIS keeps leaving clothes around & it is really getting annoying.

Just talk to him about it, he's really understanding. He's more behaved then the rest of our models. It shocked us really, but then again we don't really have good examples to compare him to.

5. My CHRIS just bought a police scanner. Why does he need it?

This is a force of habit for him. His duty as a police officer & a member of S.T.A.R.S leads him to feel the need to protect everyone.

6. Can I abandon my CHRIS REDFIELD?

You can. He can take care of himself.

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

ALBERT WESKER

OSMUND SADDLER

SHEVA ALOMAR

STEVE BURNSIDE

CLAIRE REDFIELD

LEON KENNEDY

JACK KRAUSER

RAMON SALAZAR

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	6. SHERRY BIRKIN

**Sherry Birkin**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own SHERRY BIRKIN. I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy her so thank you. We're pretty sure you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your SHERRY BIRKIN is incredibly whiny since she is still a child.

2. Your SHERRY BIRKIN can crawl in very small places. Dropped your ring behind the counter? SHERRY can get it!

3. Your SHERRY BIRKIN will go on a rant about how her parents hate her. Just tell her in a very sappy voice about how her parents loved her in their final breath. That'll shut her up.

4. If there is a transformed WILLIAM around, please try your hardest to keep SHERRY away from him for if you don't then some screwed up incest & mutant preggy will follow.

5. SHERRY BIRKIN is easily startled, so don't try to scare the bejesus out of her, no matter how fun it is.

6. SHERRY BIRKIN is still just a child, so no she can not do your homework for you

7. SHERRY BIRKIN is not a plush toy & will not be treated as such.

8. SHERRY will run at the slightest sign of something scary. Please keep her confined in a nice pink, padded room with no way to escape to keep her from running.

9. SHERRY is prone to suddenly falling down holes that form out of no where. Keep her on a leash in case that happens.

10. SHERRY needs to go to school since she is still a child; an annoying child, but still a child.

11. She does not appreciate being reminded that LEON is now a lapdog on an extremely tight leash for the military because of her. She already feels bad enough.

12. SHERRY is very emotionally unstable, so please approach her with caution.

**Types of SHERRY BIRKIN**

There are few types SHERRY BIRKIN programming you can install to your SHERRY BIRKIN.

Whiny Kid mode (This mode is free of charge, but extremely annoying)

Chihuahua mode (This mode means that she is easily terrified. It is already installed & free of charge)

Emo Child mode (This mode is easily installed & uninstalled per request of the owner)

**F.A.Q**

1. My SHERRY keeps waking up screaming in the middle of the night.

Don't worry. This is normal. I mean she is trying to get over being impregnated by a relative.

2. My SHERRY is missing again & I can't find her anywhere!

Check under the floorboards. We don't know how, but one time she got under there. It was rather amusing.

3. Why won't my SHERRY spend time with my WILLIAM & my ANNETTE?

You got the whole set? AW! Anyways, SHERRY has family issues, but she will get over them for her Emo Child programming lasts only a few months.

4. My SHERRY keeps running away screaming when nothing is moving at all & I'm just watching tv.

This is probably a glitch. Just place her in an empty room. She'll wear herself out eventually.

5. My SHERRY keeps clinging to my LEON KENNEDY.

This is normal since LEON is the only person to actually care about her sorry ass because of his need to protect children. If LEON starts to get annoyed, spray her with water.

6. Can I abandon my SHERRY BIRKIN?

Sure, we don't care.

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

ALBERT WESKER

OSMUND SADDLER

SHEVA ALOMAR

STEVE BURNSIDE

CLAIRE REDFIELD

LEON KENNEDY

JACK KRAUSER

RAMON SALAZAR

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

CHRIS REDFIELD

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	7. STEVE BURNSIDE

**Steve Burnside**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own STEVE BURNSIDE. I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your STEVE BURNSIDE suffers from mood swings like a pregnant woman so stand back.

2. Your STEVE BURNSIDE enjoys anything shiny, so we have included the Golden Lugers in the package.

3. Your STEVE BURNSIDE may act like a whiny, emo little shit if CLAIRE REDFIELD is around. Please call us so we can deploy our top agent to get rid of CLAIRE.

4. Your STEVE BURNSIDE his issues with family, so it will take him a bit to warm up to you.

5. STEVE BURNSIDEs have a very sensitive emotional state like a LEON model, but 10xs worse.

6. STEVE BURNSIDE does not like anyone touching his hair, so please refrain from it until later on.

7. Your STEVE BURNSIDE will hate you for about 3 hours.

8. Your STEVE BURNSIDE –after 3 hours- will suddenly think that he is your knight in shining armor. Do not be alarmed at this statement. He is always like that.

9. STEVE BURNSIDE does not need to be reminded about how kinky his choker is.

10. STEVE BURNSIDE hates ALEXIA & ALFRED ASHFORD. Please keep him away from them at all times.

11. ALBERT WESKER will kidnap your STEVE. Do not be alarmed. If this were to happen, contact us & our top agent will be released to deal with the problem.

**Types of STEVE BURNSIDE**

There are many types STEVE BURNSIDE programming you can install to your STEVE BURNSIDE.

Whiny Emo Little Shit mode (WELS for short) (This mode is already installed & free of charge)

Chuckles the Trigger Happy Kid mode (this mode will result in any ceiling windows being broken through & STEVE shooting at the ground like some crazed lunatic)

Tyrant mode (This mode is only available with ALFRED or ALEXIA present)

Wanna-be Knight in Shining Armor mode (This mode is already installed & free of charge)

**F.A.Q**

1. My STEVE BURNSIDE won't stop laughing. What should I do?

This is the Chuckles the Trigger Happy Kid mode. Do not be alarmed. Simply spray him with water & be done with it.

2. My STEVE BURNSIDE keeps shooting at me!

He probably thinks you are one of the monsters/zombies that he encountered on another overproduction of BOW & ZOMBIE at the Rockfort Island department. Don't worry, if there is a light above him, shoot that.

3. My STEVE BURNSIDE is angsting about his father.

We are sorry. That is our fault. We stopped the production of PAPA BURNSIDE due to a shortage of money & it upset the STEVE BURNSIDEs.

4. STEVE BURNSIDE keeps repeating 'I love you' to the wall.

We know, he does that all the time. He is practicing for CLAIRE REDFIELD, though it will never happen.

5. My STEVE BURNSIDE keeps yanking on his choker.

Do you have any idea how uncomfortable those are? They suck!

6. Can STEVE BURNSIDE protect me from my enemies?

Yes he can! With the Chuckles the Trigger Happy Kid mode installed he can mow down anyone!

7. I lost my STEVE's Golden Lugers.

For a retail price, we can sell you a new set for STEVE to enjoy & laugh hysterically with trying to impress women.

8. My STEVE BURNSIDE won't let me hug him.

We are pretty sure he was someone's bitch while in storage at the Rockfort Island Department.

9. My STEVE BURNSIDE won't help me at all with anything!

This is normal for STEVE is a prick that only helps himself.

10. Can I abandon my STEVE BURNSIDE?

You shouldn't unless the police want to find a suicide victim laying face down somewhere. We do not want to deal with lawsuits!

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

ALBERT WESKER

OSMUND SADDLER

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

LEON KENNEDY

JACK KRAUSER

RAMON SALAZAR

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	8. RAMON SALAZAR

**Ramon Salazar**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own RAMON SALAZAR. I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your RAMON SALAZAR will throw hissy fits if things don't go his way.

2. Your RAMON SALAZAR likes to talk like life is his own personal script, so prepare some snappy comebacks.

3. Yes, your RAMON SALAZAR has a creepy laugh. We all know.

4. Your RAMON SALAZAR is easily manipulated by OSMUND SADDLER. To avoid having a hit on you by the Los Illuminados, keep your RAMON away from SADDLER.

5. RAMON SALAZARs are extremely short & do not appreciate being reminded.

6. RAMON SALAZAR is not a child & does not like being treated as such.

7. Your SALAZAR will try to perform many rituals on you from the Los Illuminados religion. Be very afraid.

8. Your RAMON SALAZAR extremely dislikes LEON KENNEDY so please refrain from buying a LEON model.

9. RAMON SALAZAR is not Napoleon. We can not express the hatred of being asked that question over & over again.

10. SALAZAR comes with 2 VERDUGOs & will use them against you if mistreated.

11. Do not doubt his faith in the Los Illuminados. GANADOS are very hard to fight off & so is his VERDUGOS & we are pretty sure you don't have Nitroglycerin tanks just conveniently scattered around your house.

12. Yes, SALAZAR is 20 years old. No, he is not a child. No, he is not an old man. He just looks like it.

13. In Plagas Mode, he has a 1 bite fuck-you-instant-kill attack so do NOT piss him off without proper equipment.

**Types of RAMON SALAZAR**

There are many types RAMON SALAZAR programming you can install to your RAMON SALAZAR.

Plagas mode (This mode is optional for installation but incredibly dangerous)

Whiny Kid mode (he shares this mode with STEVE BURNSIDE. Free of charge)

Los Illuminados mode (This mode involves many rituals hazardous to your life. Use with discretion)

Wanna-be Movie Director mode (The title says it all)

Castellan mode (This mode is already installed & free of charge from actual price)

**F.A.Q**

1. My RAMON SALAZAR has a really high pitch voice. Why is this?

That is because of his child stature. He throws hissy fits constantly & the SALAZAR models were taken care of by our friendly neighborhood butler Walter. We had to borrow him from Aly-card.

2. My RAMON SALAZAR keeps killing my neighbors!

There are many scenarios as to why he did. 1: They called him short. 2: They made fun of his religion. Or 3: They called him short… Oh I said that twice. Just keep him away from any remaining neighbors & you should be fine.

3. My RAMON SALAZAR keeps demanding a castle for him.

This is normal since he is programmed to be a Castellan. A Castellan without a castle is simply barbaric, but he will live. Just smack him if he brings it up again.

4. I can't find the VERDUGOS & I'm scared since my RAMON is laughing hysterically about something!

This is normal for those VERDUGOS are probably on the hunt for ASHLEY GRAHAM & trying to kill LEON KENNEDY. Just hide in your closet with RAMON until they come back.

5. Can I change my SALAZAR's clothes?

You can, but that would look extremely weird on someone who wears nothing but old clothes.

6. My RAMON SALAZAR just broke my T.V!

This is normal since the Los Illuminados seem to shun electricity.

7. Can I abandon my RAMON SALAZAR?

I would greatly advise against it, for the fate of the world lies in the hands of one idiot agent, a high-maintenance Asian & a very, very annoying woman

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

ALBERT WESKER

OSMUND SADDLER

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

LEON KENNEDY

JACK KRAUSER

JOSEPH FROST

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	9. RICARDO IRVING

**Ricardo Irving**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchased your very own RICARDO IRVING, I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your RICARDO IRVING talks a lot. So if your ears bleed that is normal.

2. Your RICARDO IRVING is extremely very twitchy, this is not a seizure; do not call 9-1-1.

3. Your RICARDO IRVING talks strange so be prepared for 'makeover' to be pronounced 'Makeovah'!

4. Your RICARDO IRVING does not appreciate you pointing out his lazy eye.

5. RICARDO IRVING deals stuff with the black market, so if your things go missing, just assume it's him.

6. RICARDO IRVING is controlled by a WESKER model, so be prepared to have him disappear for a few days on end.

7. RICARDO IRVING likes boats. Be afraid though; he might crash it.

8. Your RICARDO IRVING dislikes CHRIS REDFIELD & SHEVA ALOMAR greatly. Refrain from buying them with him.

9. RICARDO IRVING enjoys selling BOWs (each sold separately). If you can supply him with them, the money will roll in.

10. Your RICARDO IRVING can & will throw hissy fits if things don't go his way.

11. Your RICARDO IRVING is extremely unreliable. Do not trust him to give you something the next day. He will lose it.

**Types of RICARDO IRVING**

There are few types of IRVING, but enough to stand firm & give you more choices.

Uroboros mode (This mode is only available at the purchase of ALBERT WESKER

Angry Southerner mode (This mode is extremely violent so please do not do anything to antagonize him)

Black Market Dealer mode (This mode will bring in a good profit to you. Use with caution for those damn donut-eaters are getting tight about that)

**F.A.Q**

1. Can my IRVING sell my car?

He can & he will. He knows people.

2. Can you tell me why my RICARDO IRVING is so twitchy?

We might have an answer. He was dropped on his head during production for some reason. Our workers are sometimes clumsy, but that does not affect the quality of the IRVINGs.

3. My IRVING keeps mocking my way of speech!

Either smack him or spray him with water. He will get the hint very quickly.

4. My IRVING just sold my mother's things to some weird guy!

Smack him & demand him to buy it back or else his supply of Teriyaki beef jerky will be cut off permanently.

5. What is up with his face?

We think he was beaten with the Ugly Stick some point in the process instead of the Sexy Stick or the Cute Stick. There is no way to reverse that. We are sorry.

6. Can I abandon my RICARDO IRVING?

Yes you can. We did when we dumped him on you. Ever notice that he is extremely cheaper then the rest (aside from the ASHLEY, EXCELLA & ADA models)

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

LEON KENNEDY

STEVE BURNSIDE

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

JACK KRAUSER

OSMUND SADDLER

RAMON SALAZAR

ALBERT WESKER

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problems with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	10. CARLOS OLIVERA

**Carlos Olivera**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own CARLOS OLIVERA. I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your OLIVERA is a major flirt, so don't be put down. It's just a habit of his

2. Your CARLOS OLIVERA is a slight narcissist. He loves his accent a little too much.

3. Your CARLOS OLIVERA is a complete idiot, so do not be alarmed if he says something completely stupid & comes up with a stupid plan.

4. Your CARLOS likes to think all the ladies love him. Just humor him. Someone will shoot him down later.

5. CARLOS works well with other U.B.C.S members.

6. Your CARLOS is a little trigger happy, so don't be alarmed if he just unloads a clip of bullets into the ground, ceiling or wall.

7. Your CARLOS OLIVERA can be a reliable partner if he's not making you do his team's dirty work.

8. With proper discipline, your CARLOS will stop being a flirt (ex. Whips, spray bottle, cattle prod)

9. Be warned, if any of his friends or acquaintances dies he will be completely useless to you until he gets over it.

**Types of CARLOS OLIVERA**

There are many types of CARLOS OLIVERA programming you can install to your CARLOS OLIVERA.

U.B.C.S mode (This mode is included free of charge)

Ladies Man mode (This mode is optional, but any idiot can install & uninstall it)

Trigger Happy mode (This mode will mean that your CARLOS will unload more bullets then necessary into an opponent. Pretty much overkill)

Explosivo mode (Explosivo go boom, boom! Muhahahahahaha!)

Total clutz mode (The mode name explains itself. I suggest you stay out of a 20 yard radius if this is installed)

**F.A.Q**

1. My CARLOS keeps poking dead things with a stick & it's really annoying.

This is normal. He thinks he is 'investigating' a crime scene. Just let him have his fun & if it becomes to frequent, then spray him with a hose.

2. Can my CARLOS do my homework?

Hm… That is a good question! I guess he could, but never trust a U.B.C.S!

3. Why isn't my CARLOS OLIVERA threatening to my enemies?

Honestly, I don't know. Maybe it's the face. Do not let him read this or else he head will swell.

4. MY CARLOS JUST BLEW UP MY GARAGE!

Yeah, we know. He blows up many things by accident because him combined with Nicholai equals an explosion that should not happen.

5. My CARLOS keeps repeating lines from movies & cheap skin flicks.

We know. That is where he gets his pickup lines from. Just ignore him or smack him. Either way works fine.

6. CARLOS keeps going over to spend time with my neighbor's JILL VALENTINE.

This is normal. During our incident in Raccoon City, the CARLOS OLIVERAs & the JILL VALENTINEs seemed to team up to get out. It's a partnership thing. That or he is looking for a quick lay since she is a total slut.

7. Can I abandon my CARLOS OLIVERA?

I highly advise against it in fear that he will blow up something & knowing him, he'd somehow blow up the White House by turning on a faucet or something.

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

ALBERT WESKER

OSMUND SADDLER

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

LEON KENNEDY

JACK KRAUSER

JOSEPH FROST

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


	11. JOSEPH FROST

I hate to say this, but this will be my last one because someone was a douche & reported me because of this being a list. They call an owner's manual a book & they call this a list. Great, just great. Now, I have Fanfiction on my ass, so I'm sorry. Unless someone does something about it, I can't make anymore. Even though I had about 5 more ready for the postin' The jerk reported me. I'm sorry, everyone but the Umbrella Development Incorporated is shutting down until Fanfiction gets rid of the damn rule. Thank you for reviewing nice things & wanting some of the models, but there is no more to come.

I love you all

Dymond Strong

Head of Umbrella Development Incorporated

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~(The squiggles hate the dumb rules)

**Joseph Frost**

If you are reading this, it means you just purchase your very own JOSEPH FROST. I'm sure you have saved a lot of money to buy him so thank you. Let's just hope you'll survive.

**Things you should know**

1. Your JOSEPH FROST is kind of a flirt, so get used to it.

2. Your JOSEPH FROST likes beer & the phrase 'Drink your beer. There are sober kids in India' will constantly haunt you.

3. Your JOSEPH FROST enjoys making nicknames for people, so do not be offended if he calls you 'Hood Sticker'.

4. Your JOSEPH enjoys picking fun at BRAD VICKERS. Do not do anything to stop it because BRAD is adorable when he blushes & you should see.

5. JOSEPH likes the color red. Make sure you have some red clothing or items for him

6. JOSEPH also likes bandanas & will wear his trademark red bandana almost every day. (Bandana included in JOSEPH FROST packaging)

7. JOSEPH & CHRIS have a friendly rivalry of competitiveness. Do not be alarmed if they are fighting in your living room. They are just seeing who's stronger & a better fighter.

8. Your JOSEPH is extremely talented in maintenance of vehicles, so put him to work!

9. Your JOSEPH FROST does not appreciate being called 'Frosty the Snowman' or 'Mr. Frosty'. Do I care at all? No.

10. Your JOSEPH likes trucks & with that, I hope you own or have access to one.

11. Your JOSEPH is extremely curious about a lot of things. This could lead to trouble for both of you, so I suggest keeping him on a leash.

12. Please keep him away from JILL VALENTINE, for if rabid dogs eat his throat out, she won't do a damn thing. So, my theory is keep him away from JILL if you want JOSEPH to live.

**Types of JOSEPH FROST**

There are many types JOSEPH FROST programming you can install to your JOSEPH FROST.

Maintenance Supervisor mode (He will actually be useful with this mode installed!)

Name Generator mode (This mode is already installed & free of charge)

S.T.A.R.S mode (This mode will allow him to get along great with other S.T.A.R.S models)

Kidnap the Brad Vickers mode (This mode speaks for itself. If your BRAD VICKERS goes missing at any point, start searching closets for this is a JOSEPH FROST trademark)

Red Shirt mode (This mode means that no matter what happens & in case of emergency: he is the first to die)

Maintenance Sense mode (This mode is basically like the Spidey Sense, but with vehicles. If there is something wrong, he will fix it!)

**F.A.Q**

1. My JOSEPH won't stop drinking my beer! I've told him to stop many times & he just won't!

We are sorry, this is a glitch. He passes out after about 5 beers, so any more means we've installed the BARRY BURTON Alcohol Tolerance mode. Please send him back & we shall replace him for you at our expense.

2. Where the hell did he come up with the name 'Tallyho Bessie' for me?

Honestly, we have no idea. He calls us the 'Porn Star Store'. We have no idea why because we have never made a porn st… Oh wait, Rebecca Chambers is a porn star's name. Shit!

3. Uh... Is there a way to make JOSEPH stop fixing my dad's truck?

Honestly, there isn't, but your dad will get better gas mileage if he just lets JOSEPH do his stuff.

4. He just shocked himself on something in the car & he's perfectly fine. What it going on?

He seems to be prone to that kind of thing, but is extremely used to it. It's kinda funny to shock him with a cattle prod. You should try it!

5. There are a bunch of dogs outside of my house & JOSEPH keeps freaking out at the sight of them.

This is completely normal. One of our transport helicopters crashed in a forest somewhere (don't ask us how. We think Bravo Team stuck fire crackers inside the engine again because they are jackasses & will do that... Especially FOREST) & some rabid & very hungry dogs started to attack the closest person. The JOSEPH models witnessed a different JOSEPH FROST model get eaten & all ran away toward our department. They've had nightmares ever since.

6. My JOSEPH wants a helicopter...

Do NOT give it to him. He is not a pilot & nothing in his Navy SEALs training gives him that ability. He will just crash it!

7. My JOSEPH is freaking out over a hallucination of a severed hand with a pistol clutched in it & some guy named Kevin Dooley! What is going on?

This is normal. We believe one of our old S.T.A.R.S Delta Team package was eaten by some dogs including KEVIN DOOLEY & we still can't determine who the severed hand belonged to... That one was a bit more gruesome then the state KEVIN was in.

8. Should I allow my JOSEPH FROST free roam of my town?

No you should not. This could be disastrous that would include a heavy bill for damages & alcohol consumption! I'm pretty sure you don't want to be in debt your whole life.

9. Can I abandon my JOSEPH FROST?

Read answer to #8

**Different types of items in RESIDENT EVIL SERIES MAKERS PRODUCTION**

KEVIN

OSMUND SADDLER

SHEVA ALOMAR

CHRIS REDFIELD

CLAIRE REDFIELD

LEON KENNEDY

JACK KRAUSER

BRAD VICKERS

RICARDO IRVING

WILLIAM BIRKIN

SHERRY BIRKIN

ANNETTE BIRKIN

JILL VALENTINE

MORE TO COME SOON…

**If there is any problem with your item you purchased, please go to**

**Umbrella Development Incorporated**

**P.O. Box 12703 Ex. 4506**


End file.
